my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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