Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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