he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
