Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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