dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
