i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
