Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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