This is not my ceiling
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
