I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
The air taste purple.
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