Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
im six kinds of drunk right now
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
