you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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