everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
