ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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