Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
