Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
