thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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