i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I am spending my child support on dildos
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
