Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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