I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
How's work?
Spinning.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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