he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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