Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
