She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
