I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
