____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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