i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Vodka?
Forever.
I just blew my weed a kiss
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
