Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
