i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
