And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
