OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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