The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
