Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
