just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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