Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
