Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
