All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
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How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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