Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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