I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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