Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
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What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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