Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
