im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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