his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
