I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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