I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
