You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
