Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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