Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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