A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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