Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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