Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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