I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
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we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
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today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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