I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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