i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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