I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
