I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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