Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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