Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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