get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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