Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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