I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
