Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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