I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
